Admiral Finnigan: Status Report

Admiral Finnigan has a very awesome bubble nest going on. I am pretty sure it has wall to wall carpeting and a sunken living room. It would appear that my vain little fish is secure enough in his sourroundings, and himself of course, that he is trying very hard to attract a mate. I don't think I am going to tell him that there is no female Betta on her way.

I tried to clean out the uneaten food off the top of his water yesterday. Usually I just do a good sweep at the top of the water with his net. Except he swam in the net. On purpose. This fish has no survival instincts at all.

Better

Last night, after having a good freak out, I ordered in dinner. I watched House and Privileged. And oh my gosh it was so good to just relax for the night. I didn't try to accomplish anything or pursue any goal. I just ate some delicious food, that I didn't make, and watched some TV without organizing anything while doing so. I didn't do dishes, I didn't make my lunch or pack up for fencing. I didn't even hang up my work clothes. I just vegged. I feel so much better this morning. I forget sometimes that it isn't always better to fight against a freak out, sometimes it's better to let it happen, and then it's over. And then it's important to relax, and realize you don't have to sort out your whole life in one night.

Okay so....

So I think I have figured out most of the issue.

I am tired. I am tired of the routine and the schedule and mostly I am worn out.

I am giving myself the night off to mope.

Blah

I tried to buy a coat today and I was unsuccesful. Apparently I am not supposed to own a coat this year. My apartment smells because the people below me have shut all their windows and are cooking things that smell like crap. I am tired of making dinner and lunches. I am tired of washing laundry and vacuuming.

Fish = still swimming. I, on the other hand, am not doing so swimmingly.

Ask and ye shall recieve AND get to work on time

Recently at work the office radio station was changed to the radio station I listen to at home. Originally I thought this was awesome because I was so tired of the easy listening radio station. Unfortunately I have found that listening to the same station all day at work and then at home is way too repetitive. They play the same songs over and over again and the same commercials. And in the evening they switch over to a broadcast that is based in New York. I am not in New York so this frustrates me.

I was on the subway this morning thinking about how I need to find a new radio station to listen to at home. Something jazzy, but not all jazz. Something that would help me unwind from work and not remind of work. And a station with a good news source so I can find out if there is an emergency of some sort. My parents have suggested a station but I think it is all jazz. So I was agonizing over what would obvisously be an endless perhaps lifetime long search when I realized that my entire subway car was devoted to the revamping of CBC radio 2. Every last ad, from the banners on the top to the poster ads on the side of the cars were devoted to Radio 2, which features an eccletic mix of upbeat music types that (and this was seriously in the ad) will help you unwind from your work day. It was like the subway system heard my thoughts and answered me in the form of subway ads.

Admiral Finnigan is eating! He is eating flakes! And swimming! a lot! Go Fin!

Admiral Finnigan!

I have a new Betta Fish! His name is Admiral Finnigan. I figured he would be in the navy, because I expected him to be like Freddy and be fearlessly territorial. Freddy would even attack me, even though I could totally take him. Cause I was like 5 feet taller than him.... and I can breathe air. Finnigan is a frady fish though, he swims away a lot. If he keeps up his frightened ways I may need to bump him down a couple rankings.


Finnigan is just getting used to his new home. He has a bigger bowl than what he had in the pet store. And he has some nice rocks, which were sterizled today by pouring boiling water over them, and he has a plant for him to hide in. He is not eating yet which has me a little nervous, but I just put him in his new home today so maybe he is still getting settled in.

He is a deep red colour. I wanted a red fish because Freddy was blue, so I wanted a fish that would not feel like I was replacing Freddy. I call him Freddy once in a while by accident though.

Weird, right now he is one corner of his bowl stairing at his relection in the glass. It is like he is hypnotized by himself. Maybe Finnigan is a vain fish. He was one of the prettier fishes.

Dinner with Mike

Every once in awhile when I go back home my schedule matches up with Mike's, my best friend from grade school so we go out for dinner to catch up. Every time we do this though, we can never choose where. We spend the whole day trying to think of places, throwing out suggestions, asking other people if they know of anywhere good. Every time we end up going to East Side Mario's. We always read the menu, front to back, debate and agonize over what we should order; if we are in a pizza mood that night or if we want to try their new special. Every time we order the same meals. After dinner we agonize over what we should go do; should we go to the movies, if so what movie, should we go to a bar, or maybe we should mini putt. Every time we end up at Tim Horton's and talk for hours. And absolutely every time I have an awesome time with my best friend Mike.

Temperature

On the hook on the back of my door I hang a beach towel. I use it when I want to go read on the beach. On the same hook I have a scarf, I keep it out because lately it has been chilly in the mornings. I feel this situation epitomizes the weather we have been having lately; a beach towel and winter scarf hanging on the same hook.

Mornings

There is a man who lives on my street who drives a motorcycle. He parks it on the street near my house. And he idles this motorcycle every morning. I don't know much about motorcycles so I don't know if you have to warm it up for 10 minutes before you ride it, or if it has to sound like a 100 gun salute while it's warming up, but I do know about sleep, and that I like it. He idles his motorcycle at about 7 in the morning, while I am usually up at this time on week days I know that this is not always the case. He also idles it on Saturday and Sunday mornings as well. I have never met this man, so I know about as much about him as I know about motorcycles, but I have a very strong feeling that I would not like him.

Practice

I had an excellent practive tonight. We worked with a new sabre coach who will probably be with us for the school year. To see how we fence he broke every movement down to it's pieces, from how we held our head to where our point should be. It was awesome learning the precise placement of our feet. I learned a lot of that stuff when I first started fencing, but I didn't really grasp it all and I got lazy. While free fencing I was able to do a stop-cut (a move I have been working on for months) on a girl who is quite good. I was actually able to match her point for point while fencing her. Huge improvements all around!

Wednesday Mornings

Wednesday evenings I have fencing practice. Every Wednesday morning I don't want to go to fencing. I believe this is because almost every morning I don't want to get out of bed. Usually I start making bargains with myself that as soon as work is over I will come home and go to bed. Except on Wednesdays I know I can't do that. So every Wednesday morning I tell myself I am going to quit fencing and spend my life in bed.

Volunteering

After a year of saying that I will volunteer someonewhere I have finnally made active steps towards doing it. It is something different from what I have done before, (I am being consciously vague on this) which is good but also a bit scary. I do not know if I will be able to do what the position involves, but the only way I will know will be to try. It only requires a one night a week commitment which is good, and in a time slot that actually fits my schedule.

There are many reasons I want to volunteer, one of the lesser reasons is so that I will be less self-absorbed. It is not so much that I want to help other people so I realize how much I have, but I think that actively making time to focus on people outside my daily life will give me a chance to seperate from the thoughts I think all day every day, and will hopefully give me a new perspective.

Overheard on the Streetcar

Riding eastbound on the streetcar I sat near a 5 year old boy (his birthday is seven days away!!!) and his mom:

Boy: Can we go to the park?

Mom: No, but we can go tomorrow

Boy: Today IS tomorrow!!!!


That kid is hella deep yo.

Freddy - RIP

Freddy the fish is dead. And I don't think this is the kind of dead that you get over, like the internet suggested it would be. Freddy is no longer lying on his side on the bottom of the bowl, he is floating, on the top of his water. And doing something which I think is frequently called 'decomposing'. I will miss Freddy, he was my first pet ever. I will get another fish, eventually. I think maybe a red one, because Freddy was blue.

Friday night

I went out last night with a few friends to celebrate and as a farewell gathering. One of my friend's sister spent the summer in the hospital she is out now and getting stronger. My other friend is leaving for London (England) for a year. Visiting her will be difficult. 5 of us got together, and went out to a crowded bar. It was as a great time, where we weren't out to impress people or pick up or anything, just out to have fun.

We made it back to one of their apartment's where three of us all fell asleep in the same bed (well one was on the floor, but she was next to the bed). I lived with the two girls in my first year, it was odd realizing that we our entering our 6th year of knowing each other. As I was falling asleep last night, (or passing out, whichever you want to call it), sharing covers with a good friend, I remembered how scarred I was in first year, that I wouldn't make friends and that I would be lonely. I want to go back and hug that girl, the scarred me, and tell her that it will all be okay. It may not work out quite the way you think, and there will some very bad times, but oh my gosh it is overwhelmingly good. But I don't own a time machine (not one that I can use without risking a tear in the space time continuum) so instead of going back to hug the me from Frosh week, I'll just tell the now-me these things when I get scared.

things are not looking good...

things are not looking good for my fish. He is lying down.... the internet said that this was okay, that they frequently wake up from this.... but I don't know. This makes me a little bit sad. He is my buddy. Poor fish. I feel like perhaps I failed him.

Virus

My computer has a virus... it causes windows to pop up. Seriously who gets a pop-up virus? It's like I just started hanging out on the internet or something. I did a virus sweep with AVG but I am not sure if it killed it or not. Nothing seems to be happening right now but I fear that it is secretly ravaging my computer without me knowing it, and one morning I am going to wake up and my computer with have exploded.

I want to reformat but I don't know how with this comptuer, this doesn't come with a disk... I think I just have to ask it nicely and maybe then it will reformat.

Freddy

I am worried about the mental stability of my fish. It is coming up on his one year anniversary with me. He doesn't seem to want to eat anymore and he just swims aggressively around his bowl or he sleeps. He also stopped making bubble nests, therefore he does not feel like he's worthy of attracting a mate. Maybe he has finnally realized that his world is less than 3 feet square. That would upset me.

Beach thoughts

Every day when I am coming home, either from work or from being out with friends, I want to keep heading past my house and go straight to the beach. But I never do. Because I am too tired, or I have too much to do. Today I realized that that is what is standing in the way of me getting things done. Believing that I don't have enough time to do something, and that I can always do it later, is costing me awesome experiences right now.

So today, after going out to dinner with a former co-worker, I went to the beach. I love the sight of the sun setting, and the night was so crisp, it felt easy to breathe. On the beach there was a little boy who waved at everyone he walked by and everyone waved back. On the way back from the beach I walked past a bar that had live music and no windows. Two men on guitar were playing "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and the song filled the street. I wandered over and one of the guitarists waved to me. I went home in a much better mood than I had been in all day.

Wedding Today

Heading out to a wedding today. Usually I love weddings, and I have been very excited about this wedding. Yesterday it felt like today was filled with magic. Now I am just nervous, I am not sure why.

I have loved my week off. It feels like it has been longer. It feels like it has been forever since I was in my life downtown. It has given me a break from my routine, which is good. I get lost in my routines, working hard to maintain them, without realizing that the routines, while maintaining me are not improving me.

I think I have come away from this with a little more clarity.