Tragic

Today I needed to say 'seven' in Spainish. Can only count to 6. Damn you "Pretty Fly For a White Guy"

Living in Excess

I am currently struggiling with the feelings of having too much. Which I have to say is a nice change from my usual complaining of having too little. I believe that this current moral crisis is stemming from two books I recently read; "Not Buying it", about a woman who stopped buying things for a year, and "The Poisonwood Bible", a fictional novel based in Africa, a running theme being the excess of America versus what is considered neccessary in some parts of Africa. Compounding this is the fact that I went Christmas shopping over the weekend, and I was overwhelmed by the amount of things, and people at the mall. HOw can we need so many things? I realized that the whole mall, every square inch of it could be torn down over night (this is assuming an intentional tearing down, wherein everyone who may have been inside exited), and we would all survive. Because everything in there is not a neccessity.

I have at least twice in my life, eaten to the point of throwing up. How can I argue that I do not have enough, when I routinely get told by my body that I have had more than enough? How can I argue that I go without when I am running out of places to put all the things that I am with? One of my professors provided an andecote on the topic that I have never quite forgotten; "a foreign leader was invited to visit Toronto, this man was from a country that was commonly reffered to as a third world country, and he was flown in to see how ties with Canada would help his developing nation. To impress him he was taken down the main street, past the skyscrapers, the billboards, the speedy moving cars, the high powered people, to the main square, a true pulse point of people with it's tv screens, and flashing lights. The intent was to impress him, to show him how advanced our country was. His response was only to ask, "What sadness, what hole exists in all these people, that they are trying so desperatley to fill it with all of these things?" "

Office Gift Exchange

I need to purchase some fun and interesting baking and cooking things for my friend at work for the office gift exchange. I have decided to go to Kitchen Stuff Plus. The problem is I don't know much about baking and what someone would enjoy. If only I knew someone who lived near a Kitchen Stuff plus and enjoyed cooking and could give me advice. And if perhaps they were available on Thursday... If only

What I haven't quite been able to put into words.

On Saturday morning my Grandfather passed away. My cousin sent out a request via Facebook (and maybe other ways I don't know) that we share with her our thoughts and memories about Grandpa because she will be speaking at the funeral. I have copied my response to her request below, mostly because it is the best way I have of explaining where I am coming from right now.


The thing I remember most about Grandpa was his strength. He was a strong man who took pride in what he did, and found joy in his family. He was always ready to laugh and to play along with a joke. He brought joy with his music and loved participating in events and being a part of clubs and committees. He was kind, he was loving and he was gentle. To me he never aged a day, he seemed just as capable and just as strong this year as he did when he was living on the farm twenty years ago. He could make things work without seeming to try, he could make a harmonica sing and make it look easy. I never doubted his abilities in anything, and he made me feel like he never doubted mine.

Grandpa was a joiner, a do-er and a fun-haver, I believe those three are made up words, but I don't think he would have minded, because they are honest, and genuine, like him. He was a good man, and I think I am blessed that he was a part of my life for as long as he was. If I can live to be half the person he was, have just a quarter of the friends he did I would have lived a full life.


There are a million more things I could say about Grandpa, but that is where my words ran out, other than the obvious: he will be missed.

Birthday!

Tomorrow is my birthday!!!! I will be turning 24, and eating crepes.

I have some birthday resolutions:

1. Smile because it happened, don't cry because it is over: I have trouble with this old addage, I tend to sob over the ending of eras, and the leaving of old stages. and really this isn't helping me. I am going to get older, and move on from things, so I might as well start finding joy in it.

2. Monthly check in: I am going to set a time aside once a month for me to sit down with me. It will be a time to stop and reflect on the past month, and a time to plan the month ahead, with a focus on things to do to achieve my goals. I have been finding for the past little while that it does not feel like I keep up with time. I'll be thinking it is the 7th and it will turn out it's the 25th, of October, when really, I still thought it was August. I want a time to touch base with myself, to take some time to appreciate what I am doing, and to plan what I will do.

3. Don't compare my insides to other people's outsides: I constantly feel inferior to others, because everyone else seems to get through life with such ease and grace. Recently I have been told by a few people that I always come across as confident, which to me is odd, because I usually feel like a giant ball of awkward. This makes me think that the ease and gracey people, are really just as terrified as I am on the inside.


I am now going to shower, as I just fenced for 3 hours. I would prefer to enter my new life year, not being smelly and gross.

Booky things

I got to head home to my hometown last weekend, and got to make a glorious stop at the library. I took out, at the recommendation of my cousin 'Love in the time of Cholera' and a few other books. Including 'Odd Hours' by Dean Koontz. It is the fourth book he has written about the same character, andI really enjoy how he writes for this character, so I am always pleasently surprised when there is another book about him, especially since I believe it was originally intended as a stand alone novel.

I am reading 'Love in the Time of Cholera' right now, it has a bit of a slow start, but it's mostly because the writer is clearly creating an entire world, down to the smallest detail. I find that when authors do I don't always get into the book right away but about halfway through I hit the 'can't put it down, not even when I am walking' phase. What was weird though was that I was at page 60 and a co-worker asked if it was a good book, and I had absolutely no idea yet.

Fencing and Brunching

I fenced on Saturday at a team tournament. It was a lot of fun and we went farther than we thought we would. We thought we would get kicked out pretty early because our team wasn't very good. Realistically if I am the second best fencer on the team, it's not a good thing. But we fenced and we had fun and we learned things. I also go to eat Pizza Hut, which is always good.

I had brunch today downtown, we squished seven people into a table for four. Condiments ended up being stored on the floor and any unneccesary plates were immediatly jettionsed. It was a squishy, but a friendly, good squishy. I then wandered in Indigo with one of my book friends. Her and I like a lot of the same types of books and she is very good at recommending new books. I didn't buy anything but I got lots of ideas for new books to get at the library. But now I am sad because I just realized I don't have any books to read tonight.

I met up with Heather while I was downtown and came out to my place together. We had a very good night, it's fun to relax with Heather. She doesn't mind if I am scatterbrained and my room's a mess. We also ate ice cream.... just try to pretend you're not jealous.


I was supposed to get a lot of things done today, but I didn't because of the impromptu all after noon brunch and book browsing. But I am happy. I went with the flow instead of thinking about all the things I had to do. I was good.

Helpful Info

So usually I wak up at 6:00 am. My alarm did not go off this morning, I did not wake up until 6:20. I got everything done that I usually do in the morning... and I have time to blog.... I am thinking I do have time to do yoga in the mornings.

Fencing Practice

My awesome fencing streak continued at tonight's practice. I was able to apply during a match a couple new skills I have been working on! That is huge for me. A couple people commented that my fencing was coming along. It was also great to be able to wear almost entirely my own equipment. It was nice to know that all the sweat was mine.

Message to cousin..... You should go back to work now!

Fencing Tournament

I had an awesome time at my fencing tournament yesterday. I had not really been looking forward to it because I have been struggiling so much in fencing lately. In fact I didn't win a single match in my last tournament.

At this past tournament I won two matches! And I actually won them with a plan, not just mindless flailing. In the second round (the furthest I have ever made it, because everyone makes it that far) I did the best that I have ever done. I was neck and neck with my opponent to continue to the next round.

I also got to spend some great quality time with my Dad because he drove me to and from the tournament.

All in all it was a very good day.

Yeesh. Cousin. Harsh. And yet I post,

Fencing was frustrating. the drills went well and I was fine doing the footwork. But when it came to actual free fencing, it was like I had never fenced before. Actually beginners are often hard to beat. But I was very easy to beat. all I seemed capable of doing was sticking my blade out maybe wiggiling it a little. No parrying. No reposting. Just panic. Very frustrating.

Mission Accomplished

As of Friday the 10th, at right about the time that I wrote the post just below this one, I successfully managed to blog everyday for a whole month! Yay! I found that setting such a goal was a great way to get me back to blogging. I mean they weren't all great, if you post every day they won't all be gems you see. But I actually blogged more than twice in one month, which is like a record for the past year.

So yippee for my bloggery.

Tragedy

So today I got some life altering information. For my whole life I thought the dishwasher filled up completly, like the washing machine does. Apparently it's more of a shower like situation. I don't think I can adequately describe how dissappointed I am by this turn of events.

Blah

Fencing practice was frustrating last night. The warm up and core strengthening was kind of brutal. Then I worked with a beginner fencer during the drills, which was nice because it is fun to teach beginners. But when we started applying the skills in boutes I couldn't keep up, because I had not done the exercise. I left fencing feeling useless and terrible, not a good mind space to be when I have a tournament next weekend.

At last nights training we had a guest speaker, who dicussed what it is like to live with bipolar I disorder. He told us what it was like to live with mania, depression and what it was like to be hospitalized because of psychotic breaks. The medication that he is currently on to help control his moods causes his hands and legs to shake all the time. At the end of his talk he, almost causually, said that while he has had to struggle a lot more than most, there are so many good things to experience in this world that the struggle has been worth it.

A sleepy view of the world.

I think I need to stop promising myself that I will be back to bed soon, every time I wake up in the morning. This has the effect of making everything I do all day, just something to accomplish before I go back to bed. This sort of puts the whole day in a bad light. I have tried taking a moment in the morning to think about all the good parts of the day, but I always risk just falling back to sleep when I lie in bed. A change in perspective definetly seems neccessary.

More training tonight which should be interesting.

Recipe for Success

So I have this recipe I really like making, and more importantly I really like eating it. It is based on the Cheese Cappeletti at East Side Mario's.

Here is the recipe;

You take some cheese stuffed ravioli, the more types of cheese stuffed in there, the better.

You take a four cheese tomatoe sauce and a four cheese alfredo sauce. You mix them together until they are pinkish and taste good.

You pour the sauce over the cooked pasta in a casserole type dish. (This part always gives me pause, because I really hate casserolles) and then you grate different types of cheese over it. You grate whatever type of cheese you happen to have in your fridge, well whatever type of mold-free cheese you have. Then you put in the oven so the cheese on top gets all melty and gooey! It's delicious. And I found a way to make it better tonight! I added another layer of cheese in between some of the pasta. I did not honestly think that I could get more cheese into this recipe... and then I did. Aim for the moon children, cause you'll land amongst the stars.

WARNING: this recipe is not for the lactose intolerant... or the vegan.

A COMPARISON OF COGNITIVE THERAPY, APPLIED RELAXATION AND IMIPRAMINE IN THE TREA

The title of this post came up on the auto-complete thing that windows provides. I went with it.

I loved Nuit Blanche last night. It was a great night to be a part of. It felt good exploring things I don't normally do. And seeing parts of the city I don't normally see. It was nice being out late at night and wandering around, but having enough people around that it felt safe. Heather was an excellent tour guide. I hope she didn't mind being the planner of our destinations, she just seemed to have a natural ability to plan out our trip so we got to see the most stuff. I would blog about the exhibits, but I am not feeling it right now.

I went shopping with my Mom most of today. It was awesome. I love spending time with my Mom. My Mom is very good at finding her way around the mall and she was very helpful in my quest to find some sweaters for work, so I can look professional and the such. Sasdly we could not find her a coat. THERE IS A BATH AND BODY WORKS IN YORKDALE! I got soap that I have always wanted, that I always envined whenever I washed my hands in America.

Is this post rambly and uninteresting? Well it should because I am on the phone and posting so there we go. Can't do two things at once.

New sweater day for work tomorrow! And my hands will smell like cool cucumber. Perhaps I will throw on a little makeup, my new coat and be the total career woman.

Goal Updates

So because I do a lot of general complaining about how I amn directionless, without a future and what not, I will now take a moment to acknowledge some progress. Because it is just unfair to you lovely readers (and by that I believe I am including all five people who read this blog) to hear all the compliants but none of the joy.

1. Goal: Volunteer. I have wanted to volunteer since moving into this apartment a year ago. Actually I have wanted to volunteer since first year, but it has felt rather urgent that I do so since moving out. Now I am finnally in training to volunteer with an organization on a regular basis. This is awesome because it means I am working towards both career discovery and something I have considered a life goal. My training with the help-line has been going well, it is very interesting and looks like the help line is a great resource for many people.

2. Goal: Exploring more of the opportunities in Toronto. I always feel like I am not taking advantage of all the city has to offer. Like going to an all you can buffett but just drinking water. So I have started exploring the city, keeping my eyes open on street cars and checking out different shops and neighbourhoods. I have also checked out Toronto festivals, I went to busker fest, the word on teh street festival, and tonight I will be doing nuit blance with Heather and some friends.

So there we go people, I am making progress! Yay me!

I wrote this post with only one eye open.

I had dinner with Heather and Judy tonight. It was weird realizing I had not seen Judy since high school. I didn't realize that I had never seen her in the interim. I don't know how to spell that word. I also don't know how to not read blogs for an hour longer than I intended to, and then be really sleepy.